So, I've been keeping a secret...

and let's just start right off the bat and say, NO! I'm NOT pregnant. Nor do I plan to be ANY time soon.

Anyway... Ian and I have been keeping a secret. Our families know and that is just about it. I have told VERY few, select friends. If I didn't tell you, please don't be offended. It was completely out of self preservation. I didn't want too many people to know in case I didn't succeed and then I would be mortally embarrassed!

Ready to know the news yet? Are you sure?

Well, first I'd like to give you a little back story. :)

During my senior year of high school, like many other students, I struggled to figure out what I wanted to do and where I'd go to school. Luckily, on a whim I applied to Baylor and three years later, I was a graduate!

Sic 'Em Bears!

In the back of my mind over the past several years, I wondered if maybe I had missed the mark back in college; that maybe I should have also majored in education. I kept telling Ian, "But I want what I do to mean something. To make a difference." I can't tell you how many times I contemplated going back to school or finding an alternative certification program to join. Finally, a while back, I bit the bullet and enrolled in an online certification program. I figured... "Hey.. I have the time. This might come in handy some day."

Can you see where I'm going with this yet?? :)

Then a few months ago I got wind of a position open at a nearby high school; an Arts/AV teacher... right up my alley. At first doubt set in and I didn't think I should waste my time, or theirs. I mean, that was dream job quality... completely out of reach, right? But, hadn't I just learned to let go of worry, to let go of my fears and trust in God?

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
"May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

And that's what I did. I gave it all to God and left it there. (That's not to say I didn't struggle with some fear here and there... because I sure did) I had such a peace about knowing it would be ok if this job wasn't God's will for my life and also a peace about if it was. And honestly... it was so exciting! Having felt that peace, I feel almost hungry for it to continue. I felt a dramatic difference between when I was letting fear creep back in versus when I put my trust in the Lord. Even through the struggles, when I wasn't consistent, God was! Again and again, He is faithful.

So... all this to say... I'm going to be the Arts/AV teacher for Athens High School this coming year! I am so very excited and nervous and nauseous and thrilled and everything else. I hate to leave the family I've grown to love at Green Acres and the thought of being further away from Adie during the day makes me sad.

I know I have a lot of learning to do and it won't always be easy, but God has led me this far and I know He will be faithful through the rest of the journey.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

God in a box.... or fish bowl?

We all find God in different places, through different experiences. This is the story about the time I found God in a fish bowl. :)

Some of you can relate that once you become a parent, it suddenly becomes difficult to find that illusive thing called peace. (Of the peace and quiet variety, just to clarify) ;) One of my treasured past times before baby was taking long trips to the grocery store. I know... I've probably lost some of you there but stick with me! I loved making my grocery list, planning meals, and deciding when to go. Even Wal-Mart could be made into a peaceful trip if I picked the best time to go and if THAT isn't a miracle, I don't know what is!

Anyway, I loved going up and down every single aisle, reading labels, completely checked out from everything except pushing my cart around in a "lala land" trance. So clearly... that went out the window once I became a mom. It's not to say I stopped liking grocery shopping trips... they just stopped being peaceful for me. They had a new sense of adventure. ;)

First time sitting in the cart like a big girl!

A few months ago when I was feeling... overwhelmed? not myself? drained?... my dear sweet husband came up to me and said the magic words... "Babe, I want you to go to the store all by yourself tonight. I'll take care of bedtime and all of that. Just go, relax, enjoy yourself and stay out as long as you want to." Talk about romantic! (Can you tell what my love language is?? ha!)

So I set out to Wal-Mart. Normally I hit up Super 1 or Sam's.. or both... but this time I wanted the biggest store possible and I was going to walk up and down every single stinkin' aisle just to be defiant! (What a rebel!)

Our Wally-World... isn't it... special? :)

I started in the cosmetics area... I smelled body wash, read the labels on a shampoo I'd never seen, coveted all the bright and cheery nail polish colors, debated over trying a new mascara (I didn't, I'm not one for change).. Before I knew it, my shoulders felt a little lighter, there was a little more pep in my step and was that a smile? "Oh yeah!", I thought to myself. This trip was going to be goooood!

Then I got to the fish aisle. As a kid I think I drove my mother insane asking to go see the fish every single time went into Wal-Mart.

Fishy Fishy Fishy!

I can't even begin to tell you how many fish I did convince her I needed and would take care of.... all of which eventually rode the great commode. So I'm walking down the fish aisle almost in a trance just staring at all of them. Little bitty goldfish, goldfish with big, ugly eyes, black sucker fish, teeny tiny little things that I can't even believe count as fish. Small ones, big ones, colorful ones, slow ones, fast ones.... this is quickly turning into a bad Dr. Seuss rhyme.

I realize NOW that in still pictures, all the fish look dead. I assure you I steered clear of the floaters for the pictures. :)

Then it's the betta fish. These silly little fish always make me feel bad for them! They are in a tiny little cup and hardly ever move.

How pitiful is that??

This trip there were even a few floaters... but there! Back in the back... one little red betta fish was swimming around like a nut-case. I watched this sucker for probably 5 (very long) minutes, just watching it go bonkers. Yes... I was that woman. The woman with huge bags under my eyes, crazy hair, and laughing all by herself in the fish aisle. (I'll let that image soak in there for a minute) ;)

But I'll be darned if I didn't feel connected to that stupid fish. I literally thought.. "Man, if I was a fish.. I'd be just like this one. The one wacko in the bunch" I felt like a child again trying to convince myself that I needed the fish. "WILL POWER!", I yelled at myself. I walked away briskly and enjoyed the rest of my shopping trip. Up and down every aisle. It had been about three and a half weeks since I had been to the grocery store so there was lots to stock up on. Up and down, down and up the aisles. Three and a half hours later I was ready to check out. I had every intention of finding a register to start unloading my mound but my legs kept walking and there I was in the fish aisle again! "You know what? I'm a stinking adult. I can take care of a fish. I'm getting her. She's my fish and her name is Stella."

Three hundred dollars later I was on my way home... trying to keep my blood pressure down from just having spent that much on groceries no less. I had just stopped at a red light and suddenly gave my full attention to what was being said on the radio...

"Anxiety and worry about the future is blatantly admitting that you don't have faith in God's will for your future. Worrying is telling God that you have more control over your tomorrow's than He does. God doesn't want for us to carry the burden of worry. He intended us to trust Him with all our worries and burdens. Lay them at His feet, leave them there and walk away. Walk in faith knowing the God of the Universe, the God that loves you so much, will take care of you."

With tears in my eyes I looked over in the passenger seat and saw that stupid little, red fish. Still swimming around like a nut-job, occasionally evening tapping the cup. God used that stupid little fish to tell me something. If I hadn't gone back for Stella, I never would have heard that message. I was less than half a mile from home... I most certainly would have missed it. That's when it all truly came together for me.... Our God is a God of details; big and small. He knew I needed that encouragement, or thump on the head as I call them... (My family and friends are quickly catching on when I say.. "So, I got another thump from God the other day..") Back on topic...

You see, I'm a worrier. Anything and everything there is to worry about, I do. It's an ongoing struggle within my heart. I am so guilty of the sin of worry and let it build within me until ts becomes a crippling anxiety. Right then and there in my little car it was as if God said, "No more Julie. It's time. It's time to trust me and to leave that way of thinking behind you." I HEARD Him say it. You can think I'm crazy or whatever you want, but I heard God speak directly to my heart and I tell you know I am not the same. He has made me more confident and has been so so very faithful. Faithful in providing, faithful in renewing my peace, faithful in changing me. Our God is so mighty!

2 Corinthians 4:16,17--- "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."


And that my friends is how I found God in a fishbowl.


So... to totally end it on a sad note. Stella died three days later. Turns out, even as an adult I can't keep a fish alive... :/

Ian promised he'd take me to a legitimate pet store for another betta to try again... but will Stella 2.0 be able to measure up??? :)

A great many things...

I am a mother. I'm a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, cousin, sister-in-law, and so many more it makes me dizzy sometimes. It's hard to wrap my brain around how many different things I am to different people every now and again. A lot of times I think about it too much and get so overwhelmed that my blood pressure slowly creeps higher and higher until it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can't can't cope! (I know... I know... major anxiety problems. It's a daily struggle. Don't judge me too harshly, please.)

I'm a sister and daughter

I'm a granddaughter

I'm an auntie

I'm a wife

I'm a mommy

Pressure. It sucks. I think as women we often feel an un-real amount of pressure... yet we don't ever seem to talk about it... or more importantly, learn to let it go. And if we're being honest... guys feel it too! Anyway, we let it build up until the pressure cooker just explodes and the mess that's been cooking inside just spits and splats all over the place. (Think spaghetti sauce splattering everywhere) ;) What the heck is that about? Am I the only one?

I want to be "it all". I want my kiddo to have the.most.magical.childhood.ever and by golly it's all on me to manufacture all those memories right.this.second and if I don't think what a failure of a mother! 

I'm a momma

I want to be that amazing woman that has a house so clean you can eat off the floors, clothes so wrinkle free you think I bought stock in starch (and yoga pants don't exist in my wardrobe), and my hair and make-up are done to the nines every stinking time you see me. I want to be the kind of wife my husband can't help but brag about, have the perfect bible verse to encourage him with at just the right moment, with a hot, home-cooked, totally healthy meal on the table every night.

I'm a wife

I want to be the sister that drops off dinner on the front porch the day my sister works late unexpectedly, shares a bottle of wine and a few laughs when we are really trying not to cry, and holds her babies like they are my very own every chance I get.

Sister

I want to be the daughter that listens to my parent's advice without rolling my eyes and one that thanks them for all the cherished memories they created with me. I want to be the granddaughter that spends every vacation day possible soaking up time with the only grandparent I have left, one that sends pictures via snail mail every time I drive past the post office and is there to take my sweet Granny some soup when she's feeling puney.

I'm a daughter

I want to be the friend that always has an open door and a cup of sugar to borrow, that calls just to talk and stay invested in your life and is there to yell "HOORAY!" at every exciting milestone in your lives.


It's hard to come to terms when I am not one of those things... or any of those things at times. I mourn over the times I feel like I've dropped the ball, not been something I could have been or missed an opportunity to BE there. I can tell you all about the ballet recitals I went to see my niece dance in just as quickly as I can tell you about the heart-ache I still carry over the ones I've missed. I can take you through minute by minute of the day that sweet little girl made me an aunt and all about how big of a loser I felt like in a different state when I became an aunt the second time. I remember more vividly the times I cut my husband down, when in the back of my mind I knew he needed encouragement, rather than the times I know I was there to lift him up. I wasn't there to help my mother move to be with her love, or even at their wedding. My Granny Sue didn't meet my sweet baby until she was 15 months old. I wasn't holding Granny Mary's hand when she took her last breath. I know exactly how long I went without talking to my daddy after a big blow up with him; almost six months... I didn't even tell him I was pregnant with Adie. (Really mature... I know) There are too many other "failures" I carry around locked up in my heart; things I missed, things I didn't do or didn't achieve.

I have NOT been a great many things and the weight of that sometimes feels like something I'll never move past. But what the heck is that about?!? That is not the life God intended for his children. Life isn't about exhausting yourself, mourning over the things that "aren't" or "weren't". When I put the microscope over it and really dig for the root of these heartaches... it all comes back to lies Satan has told me and I ate it all up as truth. Instead of trusting in the God, MY God, of truth and love and light... I chose to believe Satan, the father of lies. See John 8:44--- (Jesus is speaking here) “You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” No wonder I don't feel relief or fulfillment carrying all of that around each day. David says it so beautifully in Psalm 23... “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” God wants to care for us and bring peace to our souls, not heartache and pain.


So here is my proposal, to myself and everyone else. Let's be honest about it... I'm ditching the CRAP, I'm ditching the LIES. Satan... I'm breaking up with you! No longer will I carry around the burden of guilt. That is NOT what I want my life to add up to. My life is NOT determined by the things that were not or are not, but things that ARE! Instead of lamenting over the things that weren't, I'll focus my efforts on living out every second to the fullest and having fun while I'm at it. I'll focus on soaking in all of these memories while they are happening and return all the glory to God....

Playing dress up

Cousin kisses!

Cheeeeeese!

Sweet babies

If that doesn't make you smile, then nothing will. ;)

Today the song that fills my heart is straight from Psalm 113. I will continue to cling to that beautiful promise God has intended for us and allow him to care for my soul... the way he PROMISES He will!

“Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people. He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”

I am a great many things...
mommy, wife, daughter, sister...
child of God.


(I'll explain my blog title soon, promise) ;)