A great many things...

I am a mother. I'm a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, cousin, sister-in-law, and so many more it makes me dizzy sometimes. It's hard to wrap my brain around how many different things I am to different people every now and again. A lot of times I think about it too much and get so overwhelmed that my blood pressure slowly creeps higher and higher until it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can't can't cope! (I know... I know... major anxiety problems. It's a daily struggle. Don't judge me too harshly, please.)

I'm a sister and daughter

I'm a granddaughter

I'm an auntie

I'm a wife

I'm a mommy

Pressure. It sucks. I think as women we often feel an un-real amount of pressure... yet we don't ever seem to talk about it... or more importantly, learn to let it go. And if we're being honest... guys feel it too! Anyway, we let it build up until the pressure cooker just explodes and the mess that's been cooking inside just spits and splats all over the place. (Think spaghetti sauce splattering everywhere) ;) What the heck is that about? Am I the only one?

I want to be "it all". I want my kiddo to have the.most.magical.childhood.ever and by golly it's all on me to manufacture all those memories right.this.second and if I don't think what a failure of a mother! 

I'm a momma

I want to be that amazing woman that has a house so clean you can eat off the floors, clothes so wrinkle free you think I bought stock in starch (and yoga pants don't exist in my wardrobe), and my hair and make-up are done to the nines every stinking time you see me. I want to be the kind of wife my husband can't help but brag about, have the perfect bible verse to encourage him with at just the right moment, with a hot, home-cooked, totally healthy meal on the table every night.

I'm a wife

I want to be the sister that drops off dinner on the front porch the day my sister works late unexpectedly, shares a bottle of wine and a few laughs when we are really trying not to cry, and holds her babies like they are my very own every chance I get.

Sister

I want to be the daughter that listens to my parent's advice without rolling my eyes and one that thanks them for all the cherished memories they created with me. I want to be the granddaughter that spends every vacation day possible soaking up time with the only grandparent I have left, one that sends pictures via snail mail every time I drive past the post office and is there to take my sweet Granny some soup when she's feeling puney.

I'm a daughter

I want to be the friend that always has an open door and a cup of sugar to borrow, that calls just to talk and stay invested in your life and is there to yell "HOORAY!" at every exciting milestone in your lives.


It's hard to come to terms when I am not one of those things... or any of those things at times. I mourn over the times I feel like I've dropped the ball, not been something I could have been or missed an opportunity to BE there. I can tell you all about the ballet recitals I went to see my niece dance in just as quickly as I can tell you about the heart-ache I still carry over the ones I've missed. I can take you through minute by minute of the day that sweet little girl made me an aunt and all about how big of a loser I felt like in a different state when I became an aunt the second time. I remember more vividly the times I cut my husband down, when in the back of my mind I knew he needed encouragement, rather than the times I know I was there to lift him up. I wasn't there to help my mother move to be with her love, or even at their wedding. My Granny Sue didn't meet my sweet baby until she was 15 months old. I wasn't holding Granny Mary's hand when she took her last breath. I know exactly how long I went without talking to my daddy after a big blow up with him; almost six months... I didn't even tell him I was pregnant with Adie. (Really mature... I know) There are too many other "failures" I carry around locked up in my heart; things I missed, things I didn't do or didn't achieve.

I have NOT been a great many things and the weight of that sometimes feels like something I'll never move past. But what the heck is that about?!? That is not the life God intended for his children. Life isn't about exhausting yourself, mourning over the things that "aren't" or "weren't". When I put the microscope over it and really dig for the root of these heartaches... it all comes back to lies Satan has told me and I ate it all up as truth. Instead of trusting in the God, MY God, of truth and love and light... I chose to believe Satan, the father of lies. See John 8:44--- (Jesus is speaking here) “You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” No wonder I don't feel relief or fulfillment carrying all of that around each day. David says it so beautifully in Psalm 23... “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” God wants to care for us and bring peace to our souls, not heartache and pain.


So here is my proposal, to myself and everyone else. Let's be honest about it... I'm ditching the CRAP, I'm ditching the LIES. Satan... I'm breaking up with you! No longer will I carry around the burden of guilt. That is NOT what I want my life to add up to. My life is NOT determined by the things that were not or are not, but things that ARE! Instead of lamenting over the things that weren't, I'll focus my efforts on living out every second to the fullest and having fun while I'm at it. I'll focus on soaking in all of these memories while they are happening and return all the glory to God....

Playing dress up

Cousin kisses!

Cheeeeeese!

Sweet babies

If that doesn't make you smile, then nothing will. ;)

Today the song that fills my heart is straight from Psalm 113. I will continue to cling to that beautiful promise God has intended for us and allow him to care for my soul... the way he PROMISES He will!

“Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, you his servants; praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of his people. He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”

I am a great many things...
mommy, wife, daughter, sister...
child of God.


(I'll explain my blog title soon, promise) ;)